too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
