is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
