Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She's the barista slut.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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