my phone needs a breathalizer
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize