dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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