So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
