my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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