i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
