I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
