Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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