i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
