Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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