If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
