I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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