I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
