Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
