Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
