Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
