Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize