Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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