...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
try to milk me bitch
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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