All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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