I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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