Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
