Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
