her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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