I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
