Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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