3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
