we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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