I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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