I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
