She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
