he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
