my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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