I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
