He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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