i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize