before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize