The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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