Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
