Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You dont lie about slip and slides
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm sobbing to NWA
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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