I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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