take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize