I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
NoShamevember. You game?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
