so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
vagina is talking i cant
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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