we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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