Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
