do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
