I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also, beer. Big fan.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Randomize
