Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
