I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
