I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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