Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
