She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
