dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
