if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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