Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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