All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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