Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
