epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
