I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
