My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
